Without You
by GreyWolfandMoon
Summary: Just because Sirius Black is an escaped convict who happens to be trapped behind a bloody veil, it doesn't mean that he can't go clubbing and have fun. But above all, he has to go Home and find Moony and Harry, whom he has left behind for twelve years, come back to, and left again. Can he go back to his own world? Can he find Remus and Harry?
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: what belongs to JKR belongs to her.**

 **Due to Fanfiction's policy, this is a censored version. You may find the full version with the same title on AO3 under my username GreyWolfandMoon.**

* * *

Walk in, walk out. Walk in, and walk out. Walk in again, walk out…

All this time Sirius Black had been repeating those exact moves. How many years had he spent behind the veil? How many dimensions had he visited? And how many times had he been disappointed, realising that it was just another parallel dimension instead of Home?

 _Home._ It was an abstract concept, yet so familiar; it was clawing at his throat, threatening to rip him apart from within. He'd lost count of time long ago – to be precise, he'd _given up_ counting long ago. The more he counted, the more depressed he'd become. But he never gave up trying. Every day at dawn he would close his eyes and step through the veil, let the silky veil brush past and a dimension unfold. Then, if it was not Home (so far it hadn't been the right dimension) at night he would go back and wait for tomorrow. Because there's always a tomorrow, there's always a chance and it meant that, someday, he might go home.

When Sirius stepped out of the Ministry building, it was twilight. Since the Veil was always located at the Ministry, no matter which world he'd gone to, the starting point was always the Ministry of Magic. As a result, after days and nights of sneaking out and entering the Ministry, the vast construction of the Ministry was already imprinted in his mind that he suspected no other person in the universe, not even the Minister, was more familiar with the floor plan than Sirius Black.

 _Not this one._ Three minutes into the new world, he had already concluded that this was yet another failed attempt. Glass panels – not brick walls – reflected a rather handsome but unkempt man rounding the corner. Most people were a small, rectangular box, those that gave out 'ping' sounds from time to time which reminded him of Moody's dark magic detectors.

He pulled up his leather jacket to combat the icy wind. He took the first left and then the second right, which brought him to a long, narrow alley. _Okay, at least the roads are the same._ He breathed a relieved sigh as he neared the bar he used to go as an Auror with James, Remus and Peter trailing behind, sometimes with Remus alone … Ah, those good old days. But then, having the same setting meant nothing. It could simply mean that this alternative universe had a similar environment and that was all.

''Scuse me, a shot of straight vodka please. Make it a double.' Sirius winked at the heavily tattooed bartender, who threw him a flirty sidelong glance in return. Just because Sirius Black was an escaped convict who happened to be trapped behind a bloody veil, it didn't mean that he couldn't go clubbing and have fun.

'Make it two, if you please,' said a voice behind him. 'What do you say this round's on me, love?'

Sirius smirked and turned to see a young man with flaming bluish-green hair leaning against the counter behind him. He was humming a tune, peering at Sirius with a faint smile. Despite the cold weather, he wore a tight V-neck t-shirt and a studded jacket with sequins sprinkled on it like stars in the sky. The black leggings accentuated his lean torso and wiry muscles, folding into a pair of khaki boots with chunky heels.

'If you say so,' Sirius looked up into the brown eyes of the young man, which instantly reminded him of Remus. A lifetime ago, they would go to bars and party until dawn, Sirius would look down and feel his lips against Remus's. Even after Azkaban, when Sirius was thin and his back slightly arched, he was still half a head taller than Remus, not like this, looking upwards. _Where is he now? Still looking for me? Has he given up waiting already? Because I haven't._

'Oi, are you here? Hello?' The young man's waving hands brought him back to the present.

'Sorry, you said something?' Sirius shook his head to clear his mind. 'You're too pretty, I lost focus.'

'Am I?' The young man smiled mischievously. 'It seems that you're thinking about someone else. Your partner?'

'My …' Sirius hesitated. Boyfriend? Fiancé? Husband?

'Look, it's easy to tell,' the young man laughed. 'No one minds it anymore. Well, most don't. But it's okay to be gay. And it's okay to have some fun too. That is, if he doesn't mind.'

'He probably does,' admitted Sirius. 'But a drink won't do much harm, I guess.'

'A drink? I thought –'

'Hullo gorgeous, come and dance with me? It's a waste that you sit here.' Another man approached the table Sirius was sitting at, his hand extended, his polished nails gleaming under the dim lights.

'Piss off, Eliot,' the young man said offhandedly. 'He's taken. No one touches Teddy's things.'

When the man walked away, the young man – Teddy – leaned across the table and into Sirius's neck. 'A drink? That's all? I thought you would rather spend a night with a wizard than under a Muggle bridge.' He purred, his blue hair brushed aside, exposing his moon tattoo on the side of his neck.

'How did you know?' Sirius trembled when Teddy's hot breath swept pass him and into his jacket, brushing his skin. The tingling sensation travelled from his neck, to his trunk, to the region between his legs.

'I saw you walk out from the Ministry. I followed you.' He chuckled and leaned back, tossing his empty glass at the poor waiter who just walked by. Crossing his legs, he ruffled his hair, making it even messier than it already was. 'So, home?'

'Home,' Sirius echoed emptily. 'Good, home.'

* * *

Sirius dived his fingers into the rich turquoise hair, back pressed tightly against a bookshelf. It's funny, the way his mind worked: a portion of his brain focused sharply on the half-naked young man before him, who was licking his earlobe and sucking his bottom lip, while the rest of it resisted the urge to order his body to turn and take a look at the books that lay behind him. _Is there Grimm's Fairy Tales, his and Remus's favourite children's book? Is there Advanced Potions Guide, the book he always resorted to when brewing the Wolfsbane potion, knowing how rubbish he was at it?_

'May I?' Teddy's hands rested on Sirius's waistband, the question hung in the air like heavy black clouds before a storm. They grinded, rocking back and forth; Sirius could taste alcohol and smoke and _chocolate_ on the tongue that was occupying his mouth.

'Do I… oh…' Teddy said into his mouth between breaths and kisses, '… measure up to –ow!… h-him?'

'He's not as fit as you,' said Sirius hoarsely, and honestly. 'Not as young as you, not as talkative as you,' he made a kneading movement with his hands, which prompted another moan from Teddy. 'He's unpredictable. One night he was all wild and worked up, the other night he was soft like a kitten. He's scarred and quiet and bony and old.'

'Good,' Teddy growled, pulling Sirius away from the bookshelf and pinning him down onto the sofa. They moved like two animals battling in the wild; while Teddy shouted all sort of obscenities, Sirius remained silent and swallowed his screams, though his breaths were heavy and loud.

* * *

'So quiet, aren't you,' Teddy said playfully when they had finished. Through the half-drawn blinds, light from lamp posts poured in, highlighting the tattoos on Teddy's body. There were moons, stars and flowers, even; using the tiny amount of light available, Sirius could make out the constellation that got tattooed onto the broad chest was Vulpecula, the Fox Star, and it actually lightened twinkled once or twice in the dark.

'I love him,' said Sirius, his voice raspy from breathing heavily and stifling his moans. 'I love his everything, even though he doesn't half measure up to you.'

On top of him, Teddy stirred. 'Me, too,' he said into Sirius's neck. He didn't explain whom he was referring to, and Sirius didn't push. After a moment of rest, he rolled down and lay next to Sirius on the small sofa, his left leg still wedged between Sirius's for support so he wouldn't fall down. They held onto each other like that, drifting off, each into their respective dreams.

 **A/N: Tonk's full name is Nymphadora Vulpecula Tonks.**

 **To be continued...**


	2. Chapter 2

Sirius stuck out his arm to his left. He let out a painful 'ouch' when it hit not warm flesh but the headboard. Grunting, he flung his leg across to the other side. It fell mercilessly onto the mattress.

Panic rose up in him as he snapped out of his dream and looked around.

'Oh,' realisation dawned upon him. Sunlight filtered in through the flimsy curtains, staining the white tiles of the floor golden yellow. The previous night flooded his mind: the Ministry, the bar encounter, the blue-haired wizard, the sofa…

He surveyed his surroundings again. No grey panels, no velvet green mattress, no scary elf heads on the wall. Not – Grimmauld Place. For perhaps the first time in forever, he missed that damn house. Like the house, the war, the mad woman in the painting; the mornings when he woke up next to Remus seemed a lifetime ago.

He ought to be back to the Ministry before it closed, it was time for goodbye to his shag (who must've moved him from the sofa to the bedroom) and this world. He put on his jacket and trousers quickly, pocketed his wand ( which he stole it from another dimension) and looked around, making sure that he didn't leave any trails behind.

He padded lazily out of the bedroom and found the toilet to his right, formulating an excuse to leave should he run into Teddy. _Thanks for the night,_ he'd say, _you're a good shag. I'm going home. I live in, ah, Wales. Cardiff? Yeah, somewhere like that. Far away from London. No, there's no need to leave a contact…_

He laughed bitterly when he realised that he made the mistake of using the razor that he picked up near the mirror, thinking it was Remus's. Only a person as messy as Remus liked to put things nearest to the place where he used it so he didn't have to perform the action of _taking_ it. There had been dog-eared books in every corner of their house, jumpers and cardigans (unfolded) on any usable surface, dishes stacked up casually near the sink. They'd have countless arguments over the condition of their house, but Sirius never grew tired of picking up things for Remus despite being teased as the 'cranky housewife'.

He was perfunctorily adjusting his grip on the handle when his heart gave a double thud: it felt familiar. He gripped it tighter, and yes, it _did_ feel familiar. What if –

'There's no "what if",' said Sirius loudly to the empty bathroom. He'd learned not to have his hopes up easily after all these years of disappointment. Yet, it was very hard not to have a tiny bit of anticipation, not when there were moving pictures of a giggling baby Tonks, of Andromeda and Ted, of James and Lily and Remus and _him_ on the wall of the corridor as walked past–

'Morni –' he never finished the greeting. His voice died in this throat; he felt his bottom drop out of his stomach.

Remus Lupin stood half-naked in front of a mirror, frowning slightly at his reflection. He was holding a comb where a few brown hairs strung studiously on the teeth, his other hand scratching his shoulder. The eyes in the mirror were amber with wrinkles at the corner, accentuated by the furrow between the eyebrows.

'Moony?' Sirius let out a trembling squeak. 'Remus? Is that you?'

The man whipped around, the comb in his hand fell onto the carpet. He looked the same - no, he looked older, with more silver strands within the thinning brown locks, more lines on his premature face; there were more scars on his torso, a large one Sirius hadn't seen before lay crisscrossed on his bare chest. He looked different, but it was him all the same. Sirius had met a dozen of Remus doubles behind the Veil, yet none of them came closed to his Remus that Sirius could tell the difference in a heartbeat. Sometimes they were muggles, some of them were not a werewolf, some of them were not even physically similar to the real Remus. But this man, this man in front of the mirror, was obviously magical –even wolfy – to Sirius's enhanced animagus senses.

'Moony...' Sirius darted forwards and hugged Remus tightly, his thumb brushed past his eyelids, his angular cheeks, his cracked lips. Yes yes yes, it's him, it's the real Remus, said Sirius hands and lips as they once again fell against the familiar features. Not his doubles, no, it's really him, Remus Lupin the werewolf, the warrior of two wizarding battles that had been waiting for him.

And then another realisation struck him. 'I'm home, Remus, I'm home! I'm back from the Veil!' He screamed madly, pressing kisses onto the hollow cheeks. 'Have you – have you any idea how hard I'd missed you? I …I - oh, Moony…' There were a million things he wanted to say, yet his voice hitched and nothing but choking and sniveling came out.

'The Veil,' Remus echoed emptily, pushing him back slightly. His burning gaze wandered on Sirius face, searching him. 'You're… back from the Veil, you aren't dead, you're -'

'Sirius Black, your Padfoot,' Sirius bit down on Remus's lips. 'Or Sirius Lupin, or Sirius Black-Lupin, or ...fuck it, just your favourite git,' tears streamed down his face, dripping onto his chest. Remus lifted his hand and gently brushed them away. He braced an arm against Sirius, steering him towards the mirror. Leaning back, Sirius felt Remus shaking uncontrollably.

'How long have I been gone?' Sirius took Remus's hand, squeezed it, and pressed it against his lips.

Remus watched him silently. He simply looked at Sirius in the mirror and held onto Sirius firmly, as if to prevent both of them from collapsing onto the floor.

'The war is over, we won,' said Remus finally. 'I... moved house.'

'I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to leave you behind,' Sirius murmured, leaning back further to speak into Remus's ears. 'How's Harry?'

'He married Ginny.'

'Oh well, another redhead, just like Prongs and Lily,' Sirius chuckled. He turned and buried himself in the nook of Remus's neck. Perhaps it was a dog thing, he drew in a deep breath and rested his chin on the emaciated shoulder.

'You smell different,' he remarked, 'but good.'

'Hm,' Remus made a sound from his throat. They didn't move for as long as they could, as if the whole universe had stopped just for them, until the fire turned emerald and a young man emerged, the plate of spaghetti he was holding dropped and spilled all over the carpet.

* * *

'What the fuck!' James Sirius banged on the table. A porcelain teacup on it shook and tea spilled out, staining the white tablecloth. 'What the actual fuck d'you mean give you a week?'

'Please –'

'Damn you, Edward,' James stood up sharply and kicked the chair. 'Fuck,' he swore again, taking big strides across the room and stood just a few inches in front of Teddy, who was now pressed against the wall, looking like he was going to suffocate. 'I don't bloody care, it's perverted and I'm not watching you screw Dad's godfather. I can't believe you have the gall to ask us play along –'

'Did you see how happy he was, seeing my dad unharmed and well? Did you see how close to tears he was, finally breaking free and returning to his – his,' Teddy swallowed. He was unable to say that word, not when the person concerned was his dead father. 'Did you feel,' he said tightly, flashbacks of Sirius touching him with so much passion and hunger and _love_ , 'how much he … cared about him? How could I have said "no" to him, when the truth is so cruel to the broken man?'

'So instead of taking him to Dad, you fucked him and led him to think you're his long lost lover?' said James with a sarcastic laugh. 'How considerate.'

'Don't say that,' blood drained out of Teddy's face at once at the mention of 'lover'. 'I didn't know –'

James held up a hand mockingly. 'No, of course you didn't,' a dangerous light flashed across his hazel eyes. 'Of course it would suit your needs more not to disclose the truth now that you have a convenient shag, who happens to be your dad's dead ex.'

'You don't understand,' Teddy said lamely, ducking around and trying to hide James's threatening fists.

'Say it,' James gripped Teddy's collar suddenly, tiptoeing so that he was at eye level with the taller boy. 'Say it, what don't I understand?'

Mustering every ounce of courage he had, Teddy said shrilly, 'You have parents and siblings and a house and everything! Y-You never have to worry they are not who you think they are...' He lowered his gaze to hide the tears stinging at the back of his eyes, pouring out his thoughts that had been boiling up in him, to James, and to himself. '…You wouldn't hit on your godfather's godfather one day, who has been trapped within a veil and who hasn't a single clue as to the passing of time, and find out that your dad only married your mum because his … boyfriend died…'

James tightened his grip on Teddy's collar. 'Look at your pathetic double standard, Lupin,' he said through gritted teeth. 'You accept your bisexuality, you also accept your dad and Uncle Bill's lycanthropic tendencies, so why can't you accept your dad having a boyfriend before he had you?'

'He wouldn't have married mum if he hadn't lost Sirius,' said Teddy miserably. 'My coming along was probably just an accident… I – I don't like it,' he swallowed, 'it's like a bubble broken.'

'You don't know,' there was a soft edge unheard before to James's voice as he uncurled his fists and slid them back into his pockets. 'It's a war, they had their reasons.'

Teddy said nothing. He ducked out of James's arms and walked out of the front door without looking back. James let him.

* * *

Teddy tried to let it pass. When he saw James again two days later, he forced himself to smile and hug him like they had always done did. At first he felt James stiffen, but he soon relaxed and hugged him back, as if nothing had ever happened. Or at least, none of them brought it up, but somehow Teddy could still feel the unspoken words hung heavily in the air, not fading or going away.

That night, he had dinner at the Potters. He sneaked a peek at James, who avoided looking at him. To his relief, it seemed that, just like him, James didn't intend to break the news to Harry yet.

'So,' Teddy said casually around a mouthful. 'I think about a lot about my parents these days, especially when we eat together like a family.'

Harry and Ginny exchanged a look. 'We _are_ family,' said Harry firmly.

'Yes, well,' Teddy felt James's burning gaze on him, but he pretended not to see it. 'I mean, sometimes you just can't help thinking what would it be like if your biological parents were here.'

Harry placed a warm hand on his shoulder. It was calloused and scarred, yet it gave out the familiar sense of safety from when Teddy was still a toddler.

'I understand,' said Harry. 'I dreamed lots about my life with James and Lily when I was a little kid, and sometimes still. But, Ted,' he squeezed, and Teddy noticed the white strands creeping up his temples in the periphery of his vision, 'I never regretted my life without them. I felt sorry, but I have always been grateful that I've got Ron and Hermione and the Weasleys and many more in my life.'

'Did something happen?' Ginny's bright eyes sought his, which immediately changed from green to amber.

'Not really,' Teddy lied. 'I was – well, I heard about Mum and Dad's love story. It was a bit of a whirlwind, don't you think? They fell in love and got married in just a year!'

Ginny chuckled and nudged her husband. 'We were a bit of a whirlwind as well, weren't we?'

'Love in the time of war,' Harry shook his head, a smile tugging at the corner of his mouth as he recalled his marriage with Ginny promptly after the war, and how he had his first kid just one year after.

Teddy excused himself after dessert. He went to the patio and looked up to where the moon hung in the sky. He had spent countless nights on the patio as a child, dreaming and imagining about his parents. He wasn't a werewolf like his father, but he could feel the moon waxing and waning without actually looking at it. It was how he felt he was connected to his father, a hero whom he'd always looked up to.

'Less stuffy out here, eh?' Harry stepped out from behind the door to the patio. 'You've always liked a bit of room for yourself,' he said nostalgically. 'Quite reminds me of my younger self, y'know.'

'Finished?' Teddy moved to make room for his godfather.

'Ginny's washing the dishes,' said Harry cheerfully. He rested his hands on the fence and rubbed them together in the cold air. 'So you were talking about your Remus and Tonks.'

Teddy stiffened. 'I, erm, I –'

'It wasn't a spontaneous subject, I assumed?'

'Well, I mean, sometimes you just suddenly want to know more about them –'

'I know, I know,' Harry turned and faced Teddy fully, whose gaze was fixated studiously on the sky. 'But sometimes, what they really were could be quite different from what we imagined them as.'

'My dad,' Teddy could no longer suppress his emotions. 'Did he love mum? Did he only marry her because… Sirius…'

'Once I imagined my dad as a hero. A big, kind, strong hero that everyone loved,' Harry stroked his chin, now full of stubble, recalling when he dived into the Pensieve and saw Snape's memory. 'Then I knew a different side to him that, somehow, it appeared he was the complete opposite of my imagination.'

Teddy buried his face in his hands.

'I felt cheated, shocked, horrified, as if my whole life had been a lie. But Ted,' Harry's green eyes reflected the light outside, 'there are many sides to the same person. My dad was a prick in his school days, yes, but he was also the man that sacrificed himself for my mum and me. He was no less my dad than he was as my imagination. And so was Remus.'

Teddy took a deep breath. 'You never told me.'

Harry looked thoughtful. Ruffling his hair, now flecked with grey, he conjured two chairs with a flick of his wand. 'I should have,' he said apologetically. So he told Teddy a long story, starting from his third year when he first met Sirius and Remus, including the bits of the summer at Grimmauld Place, the pranks, the youthful assumptions and discoveries, the first encounter with Tonks, to when it all ended. It was a story so long that father and son sat until sunrise, not noticing how very much alike they were in sunlight and in fate.


End file.
